i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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