ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize