i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
