Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
