im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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