Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
