The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
