Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Someone came in the potted fern
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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