took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
