Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
