Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
