new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
