i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
