I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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