Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
