you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
