so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
