Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
