so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
