saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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