i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
