tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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