nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize