I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
