New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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