I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
