5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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