I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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