We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
