Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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