Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My balls are so social today.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
