I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
