He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
