I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
His nipple licking is glorious
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
