Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
