Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
