I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
