Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just had sex on a roof
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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