Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
