and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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