I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
