Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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