that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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