Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
