oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
