It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
