Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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