The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
