just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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