that's an acceptable place to lick
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
