apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
