This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
