Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
