I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
