You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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