Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
