My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just had sex on a roof
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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